After a year into the Teach For India Fellowship I felt as if now I knew what giving was – I had left a lucrative job offer to teach kids in under-resourced communities, I had successfully led 37 under-resourced kids who were more than 3.5 grade levels behind to achieve new horizons, I had undergone a myriad of experiences from making 300+ people “Come Alive” to shadowing a rag-picker and lived his life for a day in a community of daily wage earners in an Ahmedabad slum. Additionally, I felt an immense amount of joy and satisfaction that I had sensitized numerous individuals to the needs of education equity in this country. Little did I know that my inner transformation had just begun … the road ahead was to unveil a treasure – a hidden conviction that love has no boundaries, was laid bare. And with that treasure came a transcendental epiphany where the “I” dissolved completely to show that “I” am simply so abundant.
I made some hard choices this year. After immense amount of reflection, I decided to do things “unusually”. The proposition made my mentor, Rajshree Doshi was an intriguing – she suggested that to learn the most out of it, I should use the upcoming year as a means to challenge myself. The way to challenge myself she said was to take on approaches, roles and responsibilities that are contrary to my normal disposition. If in a situation I am used to talking, I should keep silent. If I am the first proactive person to jump in with a suggestion, then I should hold back. If I take on leadership roles, then I should immerse myself as a team player. If my constitution led me to be at the center of things providing vision and direction, then I should focus on communities and grassroot reality. If I shoot out a list of 20 things to change, to lie low and understand the purpose behind decision-making. If in any situation I criticized and pushed for improvement, then I should now appreciate and only look at the positive. If I held a strong face and held my conviction in face of challenges, I should show my cards on the table and openly let others know about my struggles and difficulties. In brief, she wanted me to work on becoming humble – by talking less, becoming a better listener, being a team player and focus on grassroots community transformation. This process was way more difficult than I had anticipated it to be.
The process was painful, almost self-deprecating. Often I questioned my own self-conviction. Sometimes I confronted contemptible vagaries of my nature. The decision to not being myself was suffocating, sometimes even nauseating me (figuratively). This in conjunction with an incredibly challenging working environment – unfriendly staff, unruly children, a large class and students 4 years behind their learning levels – meant I questioned my mentor’s best intentions numerous times over. But, the due-diligence to walk the unchartered territory paid huge dividends – I pushed my learning curve way beyond my expectations.
In ways more than one it helped me rediscover myself. It made me realize subtle nuances about my behaviour and my image, which I never chose to confront before. I became way more aware about my anger management. I controlled confrontations and deeply reflected on them if they would occur. I became aware of the effects of an over-bearing nature and a subtle constitution to talk too much, too often. I became a far more patient and aware of my speech – leading to more responses to situations rather than reacting to them.
Above all I confronted my fears and failures in front of people. This helped break open new ice. The most difficult of them all way to refrain from jumping into a situation and becoming the “control freak” that I tend to be. I let others take leadership roles. I purposefully avoided the limelight in team jobs – not in terms of shrugging responsibility but focusing instead on issues that were more grassroots and community oriented. This led me to observe, work with and develop programs for a section of the society that I had not focused on hitherto.
I discovered that many more individuals discovered their hidden talents and leadership qualities as they took on roles I would have jumped in to grab. They developed and blossomed in numerous ways, and watching them gave me a joy unparalleled. Amongst the communities I found an appreciation for deep relationships and discovered an “urban village” context lying in the by-lanes of Mumbai’s Metropolis.
As I gave of myself to appreciate other’s work rather than centering on obtaining the limelight I discovered a subtle difference in working towards “success” and “joy”. Through all of this my ego seemingly dissolved and sprung out a love unparalleled – one of acceptance by many, one that was abundant in its nature and form. And through that emerged answers of community empowerment and my inner transformation. The essence of joy of giving was in the act of letting go!
